Living in Transitions

The New Habit

2011-07-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

I forget how the old saying goes, about how it takes 3 (or whatever) months to build a habit, and only 3 (or whatever) days to break it. I have been thinking about this idiom quite often lately, as I have found that through Transitions, there has been a fundamental shift in my thinking.

My deviations from the "habit" of eating well are only that -- quick, fluttering trips away from the real, the normal, the right. My body and my mind know how to eat and all lapses in judgement are eventually washed away to reveal the best-practices I've learned.

Summer has been a challenge -- with the kids home (plus many others), BBQs where I don't want to be the finicky guest, parties and celebrations, nights by firepits. I do the best I can, and sometimes eat things that I know are not right for me.

But it's a strange feeling wen I wake up the next day and reach for a tray of cut raw veggies, like it's the most natural thing in the world. Each days starts fresh with a simple act of eating the right things, it's not a diet or a health kick or a trend I am following. Its the way I have learned to eat and it has stuck with me, now 7 months later.

For this I am grateful.

Challenge #348

2011-05-21T03:59:00.001-07:00

This one is a doozy.

Another round of travel, this time with the extra added complication of going to a home where I can't make demands. My last trip was to my in-laws' house and that was easier: they ask me ahead of time what I want to eat, I tell them, they sort of try to make it happen. When I arrived and found insufficient veggies, I hopped in my rental car and went to Trader Joe's.

This trip is slightly different. I am off to Florida for a celebratory trip with my daughter who is turning 10. We will be staying at the home of my husband's cousin, who I've met only briefly. And while I am sure they will take great care of us and be wonderful hosts, I am less confident in making requests, and even less comfortable borrowing a car to go get groceries.

I will do my best, as always! And I will make sure to spend lots of time swimming, walking and doing yoga on the beach, just to offset any dietary mishaps. Wish me luck!

THAT WAGON. THE ONE I KEEP FALLING OFF.

2011-05-17T10:09:00.001-07:00

It's not really that dramatic. It's not like I am sitting around eating Twinkies and drinking Coke straight from the can.

It's just that now that I know how to eat, I get irritated with myself for not choosing to eat that way.

My mind has been traveling back to my 12-week nutrition boot camp, and how I'd been doing pretty well for the first half of the program. I'd noticed, even then, that my biggest challenge was being "on the go," a state of being that is more the norm than not, given that I have 3 kids and I work anywhere between 15 and 35 hour a week, both from home and outside the home. I run a business and I have frequent drop-everything demands on my time, and I handle this very well as long as I don't have to think about what I am putting into my body. Which is how I got to be 30 pounds overweight.

But I am no longer content to shovel food into my mouth for the sake of not feeling hungry, and so lately I've been feeling very frustrated when I haven't carved out the time for advance prep for my day. Because advance preparation is the only way to survive in this lifestyle. On a good day, I do this before I leave the house:

And on a bad day, I either let my blood sugar drop until I am homicidal, or I make poor choices. But the irritation I feel toward myself has less to do with what I am doing wrong -- because I haven't been reverting to old habits and overreating and all that. It has everything to do with what I am most decidedly not doing right.

Today, I am renewing my commitment to doing the right thing. And it feel pretty damn empowering to have the information stored away in my brain, ready to activate. Cheers to a new day.

BEFORE & AFTER

2011-05-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

BEFORE

AFTER Some pix, thank goodness I took a few. I know, the difference may not be discernible to you, but it is to me. Aside from the fact that I have chronically bad hair, I cringe when I look at the first picture, taken just before starting Transitions. You can see that while I retained my hourglass figure (which, AHEM, I happen to like, thankyouverymuch), I also lost quite a bit of body fat.

I would show you the behind pictures, but, well, we'll have to save those for another day.

FINDING TIME

2011-05-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's hard for me to create time in my life for this blog, because writing here is sort of ANTI what I know I should be doing.

Instead of writing about weight loss, I should be out moving my body.
Instead of chronicling my gains and losses, I should be ignoring the scale.
Instead of networking with other bloggers, I should be building my realtionships with people.

And so, it should please some of you to know that I am doing exactly what I should be doing! Living life, ignoring the scale, loving people.

But it doesn't bode well for being a good blogger. It doesn't bode well at all.

THE SCALE

2011-04-25T07:30:00.001-07:00

As my life has taken this new direction and I have adopted this new lifestyle, I find myself caring less about the scale than I ever have.

I am a little embarrassed to admit that there was a time when I weighed myself more times per day than I care to divulge. Let's just say it was more than once and less than 10 times. And sometimes even in the middle of the night when i was up anyways, just to have the satisfaction of seeing a lower number than I was used to.

There have been times that I have banished the scale, tucked it away, willed myself not to step on. But if the scale was out, the obsession was in full swing.

These days, the scale has its usual place on the bathroom floor. Most of the time I ignore it. Maybe once a week or so, I hop on just for fun. Today was one of those days, and I was amused -- yes, AMUSED -- to see that I have actually gone up .2 lbs.

No worries, because I got dressed this morning and put on a pair of linen pants that previously I'd thought of as capris. Today, the hemline went all the way to my ankle. How could this be?! It's because my body has changed again and my waist must be smaller, giving the pants a new place on my hips to settle.

It's a strange device, that scale. It doesn't seem to tell you what you really ought to know, which is that if you are getting all the nutritional requirements your body needs, your weight will settle comfortably somewhere. Doesn't really matter where though, now does it?

DINNER PARTIES

2011-04-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

So hubby and I belong to a group of 9 couples who rotate houses each month and host "Supper Club." The hosting couple picks a theme for their food or entertainment, everyone gets babysitters and we have an adult night of drinking, eating, game-playing and debauchery.

Themes have included most ethnic food groups -- Japanese, Italian, French, Chinese, South African, and more.

Some couples have chosen a more specific theme -- breakfast for dinner, "scary" food for Halloween, local food.

And some of the couples have chosen themes for the night and had the food correspond -- "Minute to Win it" with stadium food, "The Moth" night -- a stage set up for storytelling and a sit-down pasta dinner that followed.

Tonight is our turn to host and something told me that a "Transitions" theme would not go over well with our foodie friends.

So I thought about a night at a party while I was in the throws of the Transitions where the host has ordered some subs from a local pizzeria. I was starving and without any healthy meal choices, I grabbed half an italian and ate the meats/lettuce from inside. Somebody remarked that the bread is the most important part of the sandwich, with which I strongly disagreed. Bread without the inside of the sandwich tastes only like bread; the sandwich's claim to fame is what's inside.

So tonight, my husband and I will host a Supper Club extravaganza -- SANDWICHES and BEER. From Reubens to club sanwiches, veggie pockets to paninis, there will be something for everyone, including me. Because while nobody is looking, I will discreetly remove the bread and still get to sample all the goodness....

PANTS

2011-04-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

My kids love to snap my picture. (This is why I look 7 feet tall in every picture when indeed I am only 5'4".)

I used to cringe when they did this and promptly erase the photograph, knowing I how i looked.

Now I can see that while I may have lost some weight and gone down a size or two, I am still the same person I always was and the way I feel about myself radiates from the inside out.

The pants I am wearing in the above picture have sat in my drawers for the past 2 or more years, unable to button them. Now they hang off my hips (I've lost a couple pounds even from this picture) and my husband says it might be time to chuck 'em.

I won't let myself buy new clothes until I reach my goal.I have a feeling that come September, I will be doing some shopping :-) Anyone want to put it on the calendar?

HOME SWEET HOME

2011-04-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

If I have taken one piece of wisdom away from this 5-day trip, it's that it is really difficult to eat right while traveling. Not while being away -- that's as easy as setting yourself up once you get somewhere and being firm in your resolve to make good choices at dinner parties and restaurants. I am talking about the bookend days where you are most prone to make harried, poor choices because healthful and nutritious food in not available on the go.

Our flight left early enough this morning to necessitate a 6 a.m. wake -up call for my kids and a 6:30 departure. I was lucky to have enough to time to brew a pot of coffee. When we finally returned the rental car, took the shuttle, got thru security and had some time to eat, I realized that I'd forgotten to pack the baggies of cut veggies I'd planned. Now what?!

I had some granola leftover form our first flight, and I managed to find an apple to eat. Bu by the time we arrived at our destination airport, I was famished!

I drove past all 3 fast food burger chains and groaned inwardly, not to mention fielding the criticisms of my children. But lo and behold., there was a supermarket up ahead. We needed milk and eggs anyways, so I made my family join me on an impromptu grocery shopping expedition and we were able to load up on fruits and veggies and a few necessities to ensure success at home, and we each got a lunch item -- sushi for me. Not a great choice but the best one given my intense hunger level.

For giggles, hubby and I hopped on the scale -- same as when we left! After 5 challenging days in a faraway place over a holiday most renowned for its feasting, we were pretty pleased. All of our family members told us we look good, we look healthy, we must be treating each other well. This is music to our ears after so many months of hard work and commitment.

2011-04-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

Ah, thank you Google images. You get pictures after all.

So traveling. It poses its unique set of challenges, not least of which is eating/nutrition.

I technically should be all set -- I am in a home, with a car, and a husband. Theoretically, I should have time to pay attention to my eating and to prepare healthy meals. But being away from home is in some ways just like being at home -- I have responsibilities and and demands and I have to think ahead, and some days I rule the school and others are a colossal FAIL.

Yesterday, I tried to prepare in advance for my day. I woke up early for my coffee, had a quick Greek yogurt with agave and half a banana (which is not an ideal breakfast, but will do in a pinch) and went for a wonderful run. When I got back to the house and looked at the time, I realized I had 10 minutes to shower and get my kids in the car -- we had plans with a family we know to visit their home in Washington DC and visit the National Zoo.

It wasn't until we were in the car on the way to their house that I realized I was completely screwed. The yogurt had gotten me through my run, but where was my energy for the rest of the day coming from? Our friends were planning to serve bagels, and there was no way I am about to eat a bagel.

This is where Starbucks comes in. For $4.95, you can keep your dignity in the form of a Protein Plate. This consists of apple slices, grapes, a peanut butter packet, a hard-boiled egg, some carrot sticks, cheddar cheese and a multi-grain bagel or pita. Usually, I toss the pita but in this case I ate it, knowing it would get me through our day at the zoo. So again, not the BEST choice but a good one. And there really is a Starbucks on every corner these days -- which makes the protein plate your very best choice in Fast Food.

TAKING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION

2011-04-17T04:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so while my mother-in-law has the best of intentions, her idea of a "fridge full of veggies" is slightly different than mine. I guess hers meant a couple of tomatoes and a bag of carrots. And her idea of "healthy, low-carb dinner" must have sounded something like "heavy Chines food."

So our arrival in Maryland found me skating through the first meal and hitting a Trader Joe's first thing in the morning. I will not be derailed by anyone, and certainly not my MIL. (I lied about those good intentions -- methinks part of this might have been strategy).

Meanwhile, I have managed to make the best choices I possibly can -- from grilled chicken salads on the go, to picking the broccoli out of Chinese food cartons to an entire breakfast of egg whites and carrots. I have been failing at my attempts to drink enough water, but I have been keeping my exercise routine on track. And as usual, I have been drinking too much (refer to present company for explanation) but having a grand time with my hubby.

Passover food is nothing to write home about so I don't expect the Seders to throw me off my game.

I was unable to figure out how to hook up my blog-by-phone option so sorry, no pictures for you this week :-(

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

2011-04-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

In T minus 7 hours my family of 5 will board a flight to Baltimore, where we will visit with family and see the sights for a full 5 days. While this is exciting and only slightly anxiety-provoking (the flying part, and the family part), it is also a huge challenge for me in terms of eating.

I took a picture of my snack stash but in typical me fashion, I've lost my camera. So you'll have to just trust me when I tell you that my in-flight snack bag contains:

* 3 sandwich bags of Pirate's Booty. They act like chips but you can read all of the ingredients on the back.

* 3 small containers of homemade granola

* 3 gigantic Gala apples

When we arrive at Chez-Grandparents, we'll eat dinner. I have explained my eating situation ahead of time and have asked my mother-in-law to have a fridge full of fresh fruits and vegetables, plus a container of plain non-fat Greek yogurt for me. With those tools, I should be able to survive at least until I can get myself to a grocery store.

This deal is not easy, but it's do-able. A little advance planning goes a long way...and every time somebody tells me how good I look, it gets that much easier. And not just weight loss --- they tell me I look taller, I'm beaming, I look happy. Healthy.

At the "frosh" group of new Transitioners last week, one of the newbies expressed concern about going to visit her parents toward the end of the Transitions program -- all that home cooked food and fried goodness. I wasn't very eloquent with my response, but what I should have explained to her is that she isnt going to be the same person in 12 weeks time. So the fears that she has today about 10 weeks from now are invalid; she will ....change her mind.

STOPPING BY TO SAY HI

2011-04-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

I had my littles out for a wagon walk through downtown this morning. The sun was shining and life is good.

I stopped in to say hello to my friend John who runs the local gym; he wasn't there but that was okay. I'd had my epiphany for the morning.

John tried to coach me into weight loss a couple years back -- I worked out at his gym, known locally as a bodybuilder's gym, for about 6 months. John once told me he couldn't figure out why the scale wasn't moving for me, he saw how hard I worked out. Once I gave up gluten and the pounds rolled off, only then did John start to accept my theory that weight loss wasn't as simple as a caloric equation.

But life happened, the pounds rolled right back on and by the time I started Transitions this past January, I had cut myself off from more people than I can count because I was so ashamed of my body. I stopped visiting my old friends from Rhode Island, I stopped making plans with people who hadn't seen me get chubbier and chubbier. And I stopped stopping by to see my bodybuilding buddy John.

Today, though, I felt comfortable enough in my own skin to show myself to the world, and to John. This is priceless and I am proud.

SCHOOL LUNCH

2011-04-12T04:56:00.000-07:00

I have always packed my kids what I consider to be top-notch lunches. Though I am relatively certain they'll never appreciate the fact that I have to set my alarm so I can wake up in time to prepare their bentos, I do it because I care. Sending them off on their way with a tasty, nutritious lunch is my little mom way of telling them I love them. I m sure new electronic toys and Wii games would send that message louder and clearer, but lunch is my comfort zone. After Transitions, I continue to pack their lunches like I always did -- a variety of fresh fruits and veggies packed into tight spaces and laid out appealingly. But what their lunch are now missing is the junk -- the dessert, the chips, the high-sugar juices. Like everything in my life, I am now making better choices. Which is always the best choice for my kids.

COME MONDAY IT'LL BE ALRIGHT

2011-04-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

It's Monday morning, and unlike the rest of the general population it is my very favorite day of the week. It is the one and only day that I have entirely to myself -- from the time I drop my littlest off at preschool at 9 a.m. until I set of on the rounds to pick all the kids up at 3 p.m.

I am a freelance writer, so this is the day I reserve for securing, interviewing and writing in one solid chunk, which is when most of the magic happens. During other random slots throughout the week I can achieve bits and pieces of my bigger picture, but Monday is my day.

I love my home office, I have a hot cup of coffee and the windows are open on this glorious spring day, and I am satisfied. Yet over my head looms the reality of tomorrow, another Detox and another 5 solid days of vegetables.

When my teammates and I graduated from our Transitions session, we had an agreement that we would shoot for another detox -- we would join the incoming "freshmen" and undergo the detox torture once again. I am not sure if any of those ladies are still planning to participate, but me? Full steam ahead.

And yet the experience is more mental than physical. Yes, it sucks to eat nothing but veggies (and in this case, lean protein as I am in more of a training-mode with my running) but it's completely do-able.

The real challenge is in letting go of the notion that food provides pleasure. And for anyone who has ever struggled with their weight, the removal of food as pleasure is an uncomfortable headspace.

My 3 biggest culinary comforts are sweets, caffeine and alcohol. I suppose you could argue that I medicate myself with these substances and probably always will. But to take a little break and let me body reset itself is a small gift I give. And misery loves company, so I hope I can rely on my ladies to help me through.

STAGE MOM INJURY

2011-04-02T05:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I am going off my self-imposed 5K training program until my poor knee heals. I did some damage last night at the high school musical, where my 9 year old has a small, supporting role (okay, okay, she's in the chorus for 3 scenes).

I was trying to catch a glimpse of her onstage through the sidewing curtains when the crew came barreling through with the 16X16 foot set on wheels. In my attempts to get out of the way in the dark, I ran directly into a bench that I can only assume materialized out of thin air at that very moment.

One thing is certain, it's going to sideline me from the running world until it heals. It was force me to work even harder when I get down to brass tacks.

CARROT CAKE GONE WILD

2011-03-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

One of the most valuable tools we acquired during our nutrition workshops is how to convert recipes into their healthier but equally delicious Doppelganger.

I have been going through my chest freezer trying to clear it out before loading up on a value-box from the butcher, and I came across some shredded carrots from my garden. With four 2 year olds at my house for the morning, I decided to see if I could fool their discriminating palettes. "Miss Mandy's" Carrot Cupcakes with Lemonade Icing were a complete hit.

Without further ado,

CARROT CUPCAKES
1 cups coconut flour (I had to use gluten free baking mix)
1 cup quick Oats
1 cup Whey-Low low glycemic maple sugar (could probably use Agave Nectar)
1 t. baking powder
1 t. baking soda
1 t. cinnamon
3/4 cup ground flax
3 cups shredded carrots
1 c. coconut
3/4 c. canola oil
bake at 350-degrees for 25-30 minutes

ICING: 1/2 cup Whey-Low powdered sugar mixed with lemon juice

GRADUATION

2011-03-30T05:08:00.000-07:00

So last night was our lovely graduation celebration where we had a Transitions-friendly potluck meal and went over all the things we have learned over the past 12 weeks. I am filled with doubts about how I am going to do this without my support system, my weekly check-in with my peeps, without my coach. My coach is convinced that we have the tools to achieve, I am more prone to self-sabotage than perhaps she realizes, but there's no point in throwing away 3 months of hard work. And so I soldier on.

I am hoping that the ladies come to visit me here and share their experiences, I will miss checking in with them as I continue on my journey. I was able to get about halfway to my goal -- as far as I have ever gotten -- but always in pursuit of the more elusive goal of living somewhere in the 150s.

My Wii told me the other day that my ideal body weight is 124, and I had a good old-fashioned laugh over that one.

I wish laughing burned calories, because between my Wii and my new friends, I would have reached my goal and then some.

Thanks for the memories, girls.

RUNNING

2011-03-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

Yep, after a long winter where I had a love/hate -- mostly hate -- relationship with the treadmill, I am happy to be hitting the streets again. With the Bosom or Bust 5K ony 6 weeks away, there is no time like the present to dust off the trails and hit 'em hard.

Yesterday, I took a lovely 2.2 mile run, turning home just past the 1 mile mark because I didn't think I could do it. Of course, by the time I reached my house I could have gone on forever but the wind was blowing tears into my ears and I cried Uncle. But when I go out again, I will push myself to do the whole 5K course, knowing that I am strong enough and in shape enough to push myself that little bit harder.

God I love to run.

Back to Square One

2011-03-28T08:28:00.001-07:00

After 3 months of the scale moving steadily, but slowly, down, I have had my first setback. Rather than enter into one of my world-famous shame spirals, I will dust off my Transitions booklets and get re-energized, stick to my guns with my eating, and take off running in prep for my upcoming 5K..

I might even be foolish enough to join in the next round of Transitions' weeklong veggie detox, because I am just that much of a glutton for punishment. One week, nothing but vegetables. Could YOU do it?

When Life Hands You Lemons...

2011-03-27T04:07:00.000-07:00

...squeeze them into warm water in the morning. Or something like that. Funny how life can be chugging along one minute and the most important thing in the world to you is the food you eat and how many inches you've lost. Then your best friend announces that her 5 year old (who, because you are an overgrown child yourself, is also one of your besties, and you actually changed his diapers when he was a baby, carried him when he was 1, knitted little hats for him and rocked him to sleep) will be getting a bone marrow transplant to treat/cure his Leukemia. Your world shrinks and expands simultaneously, you kick into bad-ass fundrasier mode because that's how you roll, you lose about 458 pound in salty tears, and you carry on. Today is a new day and I have to remain focused on my nutrition because it will help me help her, which will help her help him. And God help us all.

WHAT A LONG, STRANGE TRIP IT'S BEEN

2011-03-25T07:42:00.001-07:00

So wow, I am back in the saddle, if anyone out there is still reading. Some interesting turns of events...much ot catch you up on.

If you remember my last post, which I have since deleted, it was an obnoxious confession of how I am super secure and grateful for my health and how I have finally finally finally accepted myself. I wrote it on the day I turned 35, which was also the day I had intended to have lost all the extra weight. My deadline, if you will.

And most of what I wrote, while I truly did feel it at the time, ended up being a complete crock of shit. Within weeks, I was back at my usual self-loathing place of joyless hatred for my body, and I actually had put on even more weight than I started with, a pattern throughout the years --particularly when embarking on diets that involve restricting calories.

Then something happened. I got an email from an acquaintance who said she was starting a new program and would I like to learn more about it. Now, you people know me well enough to know that I love a good challenge.

I went to the informational meeting and Jo -- the coach -- sang to me. Everything she said resonated with me. She was talking about Transitions Lifestyle Program, which combines weekly nutritional workshops with the social-connection of a team and a coach, and I was sold. I signed up on the spot, wrote a check that I knew wouldn't bounce because I had just received a chunk of money for Christmas (some people buy shoes; I buy nutrition workshops).

At my last weigh-in, after 8 weeks on the program, I had dropped 14 pounds and gone down by 6.5% in body fat. Our final weigh-in is next Tuesday and then, regrettably, I am on my own.

I am not about to go into it right now. It's a lot of information and I am not in a position to share the details. If you want to learn more about the program and get involved, there are webinars for those not local to Massachusetts, and there might even be a rep in your area.

But what this blog IS is a place for me to continue on the journey, finally reach my goals and to continue to tap into the support I have had along with way. I hope you'll check in with me over your morning coffee and interact with me. We know it takes a village to raise a child, but who knew it took a village to not be so fat?

NOT QUITE A LOVE LETTER

2010-05-25T03:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Scale,

I'd be lying if I said you aren't a total disappointment. In the past 5 months (well, 5 years, really...but who'se counting) I have tried a little of everything. I have contstantly tweaked my diet, exercise routines and habits just so I might inspire a little movement in YOU.

I mean, I am not perfect -- and this is why I haven't moved mountains with my efforts. I enjoy a pastry from time to time, drink too much wine with my friends at Book Club, go to barbeques and exhibit very little self control. I am living my life and this will never change. And it is possible that nobody loves life more than me, m'kay?

But would it be so hard for you to work with me? Give me a little help so that I can muster the motivation for another week! For 3 days, I have been eating perfectly according to my O-Blood Type master plan. The last time i did this, the scale started moving instantly. I guess I've become so accustomed to eating this way that I am not even going to get the gratification of seeing a shift in numbers.

Gah. That's okay. There are things you can't see. All my tissues have become UNinflamed, if that's even a word. My waistline shrunk in, along with the backs of my thighs. My skin is virtually clear, even my arms -- my usual summer trouble spot. I have energy, despite the fact that I have my period and a chest cold. I feel beautiful.

Maybe I need you less than I thought. I am going to give you until my birthday, and after that -- if you can't be fully present in this relationship and give back to me all the energy I give to you -- I am going to need to see other appliances. It's not you, it's me.

love,
amanda

THE CRUX OF IT ALL

2010-05-06T05:22:00.001-07:00

Don't worry -- I'm not going anywhere! I am just sort of sick of writing about weight loss. Even as I struggle and toil and work and sweat, I am -- as a person -- much more than my efforts to be lighter. In that vein, working and toiling and sweating and striving to be healthier are so much a part of my identity, it feels redundant sometimes to come here and talk about it.

This "25 by 35" effort is both monstrously important and completely meaningless.

The former because this is my last "diet," my last "health kick." I don't have another round in me. This is the money-maker right here, I am sick of the cycle of attempt/failure and I am determined not to let this period of my life pass me by. It's finite, it has a deadline (which I love) and it's attainable and reasonable. Not without its setbacks and struggles, but I am going to do it this time.

To be a firm Size 8: It's the one thing -- THE ONE THING -- I have always wanted and never achieved. I can't emphasize enough that I have reached amost every goal I have ever set for myself except this one, and I am ferocious in my determination -- to do this thing and do it with grace and balance and moderation and in a way that fits into my own personal style, slowly and correctly.

That said, who really fucking cares? My kids will still love me, my husband will still want me, my friends will still be my friends and I will still be me....all of it, even if I weigh 165 pounds forever. Even if I weigh 185, even if I weigh 125. It really doesn't matter because it's just my body. So some days -- particularly his week -- it just seems like part of life and really nothing to ... write home about.

In the end, I am just me. Nothing more, and nothing less. And in some small way, it feels good to take a day or two to just be okay with that.

WHERE'S MY WINE-ZAC?

2010-04-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

I am feeling is a little like I have very little to say.

Breaking the wine habit has been difficult but yet I know that the hard time I am having just accentuates and confirms that I need some limits. Now that I have cut myself off, of course, I think about having wine ALL THE TIME whereas I never did before. Even just a half a glass would be nice, but no. Not even a sip. I have book club on Thursday night and I am going to attempt something never before attempted -- nursing one glass of wine for the 2 hour gathering. Should save some $$$ that way too. Turns out Saturday night will be spent driving 6 hours home from my getaway weekend and not boozing with friends, so I am okay with a shift in what qualifies as "a weekend."

But my life is about more than wine right now, clearly. I am realizing some things about my friends that are disappointing, and this has hit me a little harder than I expected. Also about myself in the context of these friendships, and it is never fun to hold the mirror in front of your own flaws.

So lots of deep thinking and no wine to numb the pain.

LAYING OFF THE SAUCE

2010-04-26T04:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, this week's challenge (this one is specifically tailored to me -- the rest of you have this one in the bag, I am sure) is to not drink at all until Friday and Saturday, at which point I am on a girls' weekend and will drink enough to make up for the whole week. This challenge will likely extend beyond this week, but right now I need to rededicate myself to this practice.

Of course it means I will shoot more heroin, but heroin is calorie-free.

Now, about the 5K!

It was glorious. I met my own goal of running the whole thing without stopping, and the high was so rocket-like I think I have a new addiction. My time was 35:11 which is mediocre, but my goal had nothing to do with running it fast!

If I am being completely honest, this race did not push boundaries for me. Once I got close to the finish line, I had assumed that the course ran for at least another 1/2-1 mile and I was okay with that. Another 2 miles would have been a real test. Therefore, my next race will be on May 30th and will be a 5-miler. I love it -- and hubby ran it with me (not WITH me, we ran at our own pace -- but it was nice to have a smooch from him at the finish line) and he is addicted too.

One interesting observation: This was a 5K fundraising run for Autism Awareness, a cause near and dear to my heart. While some people were there just because it was a 5K, some people were there because of the cause. Lots of people -- thin people -- were wearing their UnderArmour workout clothes, their flashy shoes, lots of branded-clothes and hats.

I passed all of them. They started off running ahead of me, but one by one it became clear that just because they look like they are in shape doesn't mean they actually are. It takes a certain level of fitness to run one mile, much less 3.

The people at the front of the pack (not the elite athletes, who left all the rest of us in their dust straight-away) were regular people. Chubby people, even. Hardworking, determined people.

Fitness has no shape.

SATURDAY, IN BULLETS

2010-04-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

* I appreciated your comments about my rear. You confirmed what I already know - the men I have loved have loved my ass. But I am not out to attract men and my husband already needs to be tasered in order for me to get any peace, so it's not about being sexy. It's me and me only who wants a smaller bum :-) After all, my ass will still be sexy at a smaller size -- there ain't much I can do about the shape.

* I awoke at 4 a.m. to get to the bathroom just in time for a rush of blood so magnificent that in my sickness, I was tempted to get on the scale. I think I lost 5 lbs in blood at that very moment. Ah, womanhood.

* The timing isn't GREAT. My first 5K is tomorrow morning and I don't usually exercise strenuously during the first 2 or 3 days of my cycle, just out of respect for the work the body does during this time. I am sensitive and spiritual like that. But tomorrow? Fuck it. I am busting my ass to complete this 5K at a steady run, raise money for Autism Awareness in honor of my nephew Morgan, and feel as sense of accomplishment and camaraderie.

* The foods I consumed yesterday -- thanks to "The Voice", which basically chanted to me all day long that I might as well eat garbage because I am obviously always going to be a fatty -- are not worthy of this blog. Let's just say I am back on it today. New challenge tomorrow.

* I need to write a longer post about the ways in which I use alcohol. Hubby and I have acknowledged that we use a glass of wine like some people use Prozac or LexaPro or Viagra or Qualudes. Yet while we acknowledge this gross ritualistic substance abuse, we are unsure whether the alternative -- using pills and farming our lives out to pharmaceutical companies -- is really the better option. Anyways, there's your teaser.

* Just a final word of thanks today to all of you who read this blog and take the time to comment every now and again. believe it or not, your support has gotten me this far -- I tend to start projects and give up on them within weeks -- and I am totally committed to seeing this through to November. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

TMI TUESDAY

2010-04-20T04:13:00.000-07:00

TMI: I am not wearing any underwear. The reason for this is that of all my talents in this world, packing well is not one of them. And so while I was able to pack all my kids' crap, my laptop and good food to eat...I kind of forgot my suitcase. My rule for the girls is if you don't have clean underwear to wear, don't wear any underwear at all. That and Coke is a viable breakfast drink only while on vacation and only served in a coffee mug filled with ice from the hotel ice machine. Mother of the year? That's me.

I promised you a picture of my other recent culinary adventure -- a veggie-stuffed calzone. You see, I am trying to make better choices but I really to refuse to sit by and eat rabbit food when we are having a family experience. My husband likes to have homemade pizza day on Sundays, and while I have managed to whittle this event down to about once a month, I really don't want to miss out. So instead of giving in and eating cheese pizza, or even something as sinful as pepperoni, I simply have taken to grabbing the leftover dough and rolling it our super thin and wrapping it around whatever veggie extravaganza I can come up with.

The pictured calzone is filled with broccoli, brocco-slaw, spinach, roma tomoatoes, baby bellas, feta cheese, garlic and red onion. If you are really hardcore, which I am, you can simply unwrap the goodness and forget eating the crust. Very virtuous and adult.

Wish me luck at the continental breakfast.

FOOD I HAVE LOVED

2010-04-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

I am heading of to Mystic in my VW Bus, with my 3 daughters and my new membersip to Mystic Seaport. My hubby will join us this afternoon and I will eat a salad at Mystic Pizza while I drool over everyone else's dinners. Tomorrow, we are headed through the Rhode Island coastline to visit friends and old chums.

But first, in a moment, I will head to my kitchen and thoughtfully plan out my meals for today and tomorrow, packing them into a cooler. I will shut down my laptop and bring it along so I can update you all this evening with my sins.

Until then, I leave you with the following pictures, one of my recent culinary experiments -- an attempt to make something with tofu that is lowfat AND delicious. Score!:

asian tofu brocco-slaw with buckwheat soba noodles:

never heard of brocco-slaw? I LOVE it -- it can be a filler item in so many dinners to add more veggies....it's shredded broccoli, carrots, red cabbage and god knows what the hell else is in that bag. I add it to nearly everything -- spaghetti, sandwiches, soups.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a picture of my world-famous veggie calzone packed with broccoli, red onion, red peppers, spinach and ....brocco-slaw.

VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE

2010-04-17T08:33:00.001-07:00

I am a woman who likes to mix things up. A homebody with a taste for adventure within the safety of my home. A nomad who never leaves the house. I need variety.

This blog is no exception. I am getting bored of myself already, all this yammering on about feelings and issues and history. *yawn*

So I am adding a new element to my blog for awhile until some better idea comes along and I abandon this one.

For now, I will be offering a weekly challenge to myself, and by all means feel free to play along. Each Sunday, I will announce the challenge in the morning. I already know what this week's will be, since I bought some new jeans and there is a serious muffin top situation going on. Stay tuned till tomorrow and may be some of you all will join me :-)

ORIGINS OF OBSESSION

2010-04-16T03:47:00.000-07:00

I loved to see all your comments yesterday about your moms and their weight obsessions. My mother was no different. And I think it's funny how as women we relate at all back to our moms -- after all, weren't they the ones that taught us to keep such close watch on our figures?

it was validated and accentuated by the press media and eventually MTV, but our moms got the ball rolling and never tried to stop it.

I remember:

....crying in my room because of a comment my mom made about my body. Then I remember the quiet tapping on the other side of the door, and my mom pleading "Mandy, I didn't say you ARE fat, I said you are GETTING fat." I was 9. And I wasn't. at. all. getting. fat.

...asking my mom why she kept buying giant packages of Dexatrim when she was already skinny (my mom was about a size 6-8 my whole life, sometimes smaller)

....hearing my dad chide "Why don't you take that (insert name of delicious food) and apply it directly to your thighs?

....being compared relentlessly to my sisters -- someone was always "the thinnest one" and my mom will still roll her eyes behind the back of the "fattest" one and make rude comments about their appearance. And I am 34 years old and my mom acts like a teenager.

It makes it rather hard to like my mom, given a million reasons but particularly this one, at this point in my life.

I am extremely careful around my daughters not to criticize myself, or use words like "diet," or "fat." I try to encourage them to move more and eat well without attacking them (already I can see that at least one of my daughters will strugle like me). It's a lot easier to shut my fucking mouth and be supportive than my mother made it look. But I'm not bitter.

********************

I am skipping my weigh-in this week. I know I am up and I'm disappointed in myself. I am going to need to get a lot more serious about this if I am going to take this weight off -- making all these little changes is good, and of course my exercise program is right on, but I am not exactly rocking my own world here. More on this tomorrow...?

WHY I WILL NEVER TRULY BE THIN

2010-04-15T04:37:00.001-07:00

And sometimes you just say Fuck It.

And you take your 6 year old on a date because she's your middle child and she is constantly screaming out for attention and you haven't had a date with her in months. And she wants to get all dressed up and go to the Monument Grille for chocolate lava cake.

And you talk her into the new Dessert Bar in town because it's special, and you sit with her and order a slice of lime cheesecake, a lemon sorbet, wine and Italian soda. And you chat and talk about her life, giggling and eating sweets.

And sometimes you do this without hesitating, without analyzing calories or points or fiber content. You do it because SHE wants to and you want her to remember you as the mom who could take great pleasure in cheesecake, nice restaurants, and her company.

BENTO LOVE

2010-04-14T04:06:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to run into a friend last night who reads this blog and she said I wasn't alone in my current binging crisis. My husband admitted the same thing. Maybe something is in the air around this podunk town?

The truth is that a couple days of binging-behaviors are not going to undo me. I have developed habits -- real habits, the kind that are not easily broken, that will lead me to success. No, the weight is not rolling off of me as I hoped it would. But my body is getting leaner and stronger and I have to be grateful for that.

Pictured above was the snack I made to take to Maine last weekend. My metabolism is in high gear these days and I find myself getting extremely hungry , and it comes on extremely fast. I need to have a snack at the ready, especially on car trips. So I pack a fruit/veggie/nut bento when I need to be out of the house for more than 4 hours.

Today is one such day -- I have back to back jobs from 9 a.m. to 4:15 p.m. Off to pack my bento :-)

THE SHAME SPIRAL BEGINS

2010-04-13T04:46:00.000-07:00

Excuse my blogging absence! I had been hired for the past two nights to do a little overnight "babysitting" -- except that the baby is 16 and his mom was on a business trip and she just wanted me to hang out with him and make sure he was fed and in good company. Fairly easy work, but it blew my morning blogging routine.

And I am sorry to report -- to you and to myself -- that I have been feeling rather binge-y lately. I am not sure where this feeling is coming from -- nerves or grief or anger or if it is triggered by being out of my house, away from my kids, unaccountable to my husband -- really, in my rational mind I can't explain it. But I have lost control of myself a few times while sleeping away. Luckily, the collateral damage adds up to a couple bowls of chips, a few glasses of wine and a Skinny Cow Ice Cream treat. Oh, and about 7 cigarettes, smoked like a 14 year old crouched in the woods with lots of mouthwash afterwards. I know it doesn't seem too bad spelled out like that but it felt like addiction, shameful and hidden. And I have a few changes to make-- this is not the person I want to be.

In other news, I have been staying up on my exercise, really cherishing this level of fitness I've reached. Hubs and I totally killed the p90x Legs/back workout this week -- I mean, did the entire workout to the max without cheating or dying. This is a big improvement from our first dalliance with that particular DVD.

I know this is twisted, and probably led to me allowing myself to fall off the wagon a little, but looking through my family's pictures made me feel sort of proud that I don't weigh 250 pounds. To ONLY weigh 166 seems like some sort of accomplishment given my gene pool. Sick.

edited to add: I forgot to admit to the worst part of the binge -- one of the moms of my home preK kids brought over a tray of 12 cupcakes for the kids yesterday. I managed to avoid eating any cupcakes until mid morning, at which point the 5 remaining cupcakes were dismantled by yours truly. I ate the tops off all 5. Luckily they were only very lightly frosted. But DAMN Sister! Have some self-control. And my friend felt bad when I told her he sabotaged me. Real friends don';t deposit your major weakness in your kitchen.

THE FAT GENE

2010-04-11T04:33:00.000-07:00

Such an interesting journey through the pages of my granthmother's photo albums. The photos, of course, predate even her birth in 1919, but mostly the albums begin at the start of her marriage in 1939.

There are pictures of her in all shapes and sizes but always rubenesque, pictures of my thin-as-a-rail grandfather and his thin-as-a-rail parents, and then her sons (one of whom is my father) -- first skinny children then chubby adolescents then adults who landed somewhere in between even as black & white photos turned to color and beyond.

If you want to tell me that my struggle with weight isn't genetic, I can hear what you're saying. I get it. Genetics predisposition is not keeping me from losing weight.

But it sure as hell has everything to do with why it's here. Grammy's albums proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

SEEKING CONNECTION

2010-04-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

Looks like me and Jules have something in common today -- we are both out of town and still wanting to keep our blogs running. She scheduled me as a Guest Blogger at her site, I am scheduling this post to go up while I am on my way to Maine to visit my grandmother.

So if you are looking for a piece of my mind today, a little something I wrote that doesn't fit into the "Weight Loss Blog" category, head on over to Just Jules and make sure to leave a comment there :-)

Ode to my PenPal.

MORNING QUICKIE

2010-03-30T04:11:00.000-07:00

Man. I made it through Passover without any major sins except too much red wine. My cookies were a hit and in the future, when I have sweets cravings, I will indulge in them since they are gluten-free....just made of egg whites, chocolate, coconut and sugar. I might even be able to use honey and sneak in some ground flax.

But I am somehow void of cravings these days. I am trying to get a handle on how much to eat instinctively, a very delicate art I think. I am paying minimal attention to the actual p90x food plan and more attention to my common sense and my budget. Only Friday's Weigh-In will indicate whether I am spot on or way off, but either way it is starting to come more naturally...this whole healthy, fitness-y kind of lifestyle.

Tomorrow, a parallel parable about my sister and me: The Tortoise and The Hare.

LOVE LETTERS

2010-03-23T04:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Tony (workout master of my p90x DVD set),

I am starting to fall in love with you.

A first I thought you were slightly annoying but those feelings morphed first into a quiet bemusement and now into something like love. Maybe lust?

I think it was your yoga dvd that sealed the deal. During the first few discs, you were a little bit of a meathead. Even though your mouth was saying "don't let your ego get in the way," it appeared that, well, your ego was getting in the way.

But your yoga class was spot on -- you really knew your stuff. And if there is one quality I am a completely sucker for it's an enlightened man.

The joy of p90x is waking up every morning and feeling an entire new set of muscles ache, sending you a loving reminder of the previous day's asskicking.

Keep kicking my ass, Tony. I am starting to become addicted to you.

Much love,
amanda, who has another 18 pounds to lose before I am an official MILF.

FRENEMY

2010-03-22T04:08:00.000-07:00

The definition of a frenemy is someone you pretend to be friends with, while secretly you harbor feelings of hatred, disgust, jealousy or competition. Their presence, generally, makes you uncomfortable at best and anxious at worst.

People keep frenemies in their lives for a number of reasons, but mainly because they don't want to be the kind of person who "dumps" someone for selfish reasons. It's a reflection of their own character, you see, that they are willing to stand by someone so flawed.

There's another subset of people -- where I fit in -- that will easily cut ties with people who suck. No regrets, barely a second glance. You know when someone is toxic and so you cut them loose, they are no benefit to your life -- and in fairness, you also recognize that your feelings toward them are toxic as well and you have nothing positive to offer them either.

I initially started writing this post as a prelude to my declaration that I am breaking up with Weight Watchers. I am done counting points, analyzing points, and paying for the privilege of monitoring every bite of food I eat. And I am...breaking up, that is.

But in writing this (which is why I love to blog) I am realizing that WW is not the frenemy. I am my own frenemy.

Why am I so quick to break up with a poisonous friend, but so welcoming to my own bad habits and food-addicted behaviors? How is it that I can let a human being slip out of my good graces without another thought, but I don't place limits of my relationship with food?

It has been occurring to me lately as I have been following the p90x diet, which is not unlike my previous diet, that my general nutrition is quite good. I have confirmation of this now -- I have always eaten a well rounded and nutrient-rich base diet.

It's the extras that have been slowly adding the pounds on -- the mini-binges of sweets or snacks, the parties, the family dinners. My weight has come on throughout my lifetime thanks to my frequent binging -- the use of food as a medicine or drug, to make a good time better or to make a bad feeling go away.

The binging is my frenemy. It's time to break up.

BEER GOGGLES

2010-03-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

No time to post, but just wanted to give a quick shout-out.

My goal tonight is to weather my first party during my new diet with grace and lack of spectacle. Will drink plenty, and hope to pick at the foods offered without drawing attention to my eating plan.

Although vodka does weaken one's resolve.

A BRIEF DECLARATION OF LOVE...

2010-03-18T04:23:00.000-07:00

...for p90x. I am totally picking up what this guy is putting down...the diet, the workouts -- it seems like the culmination of everything I have ever learned about nutrition and fitness -- just spelled out in a very concrete manner: Eat this. Warm up like this. Stretch like this. Cool down like this. Now drink water. People like me, who live in the clouds, need the definity...divinity...of this type of program.

Last night, hub and I put the kids to bed and did the Plyometrics DVD, which was an ass-kicking in the form of a DVD. Tonight, Shoulders & Arms.

And I am so motivated to stick with it to the letter so I can get this weight OFF and start eating and running and being like a normal human being. This p90x is not mean to be forever. I want a piece of Ezekial bread.

weigh-in tomorrow, no bullshit.

A MEME: perfection

2010-03-11T05:19:00.000-08:00

If you don't know what a meme is, let me explain it (this is where my inner blog-nerd comes out)

It's a chance for you talk about ME ME ME ME ME. Feel free to steal this meme and cut and paste on your own blog. If you are my friend and you don't have a blog, I would take it one step further and invite you to cut and paste this into an email and send it to me with your ow answers, which would brighten my day. Or better, yet, cut and paste it into the comment section of this post for all the world to see. It's fun to talk about yourself, no?

Without further ado:

The perfect outfit: Linen drawstring pants and a halter top; flip-flops

The perfect drink: Gimlet

The perfect meal: a salad someone else makes

The perfect hangover cure: a joint

The perfect road trip: me, my VW bus, coffee & cigarettes

The perfect facial feature: dimples

The perfect afternoon: Hanging with friends while the kids run amok in my yard

The perfect vacation: the beach house sans in-laws

The perfect type of wedding: Elopement

The perfect album: The Road to Ensenada

The perfect accent: Southern

The perfect weather: 75 and sunny -- would anyone disagree?

The perfect song: Pachelbel's Canon in D

The perfect sign of affection: a slap on the ass

The perfect party: Close friends, lots of wine, summer night. grilling, kids covered in dirt, running through the yard with sparklers

The perfect sport: Tennis

The perfect thing to say: "did you lose weight?"

The perfect date: The one where he promises not to tell my husband

I LOVE...

2010-03-07T05:46:00.000-08:00

...smoothies. Greek yogurt. Carmelized onions.

...the way I feel when my diet does not include gluten.

...walking outside with friends. Gabbing. The sun on my face.

...opening the windows and airing out my house after a long winter.

...planning my garden.

...homemade cherry wine.

...watching the numbers on the scale go down.

...thong undies.

...arm muscles.

...sunshine. Playing bocce with my kids in the yard. Bonfires with a little on my lap.

...life.

PICTURE PAGES

2010-03-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

Halloween 2009. I have been told, especially in the last couple weeks, that my face is looking thinner. of course i would prefer to lose weight, initially, in my ass -- I will take evidence of my hard work anywhere I can get it.

GHOSTS ARE HEAVY

2010-03-01T04:24:00.000-08:00

It's the first of March and I said goodbye to February with a lovely full-moon gathering with women where we gabbed and decorated our bodies with ink and communed with the universe in a special way :-) These stolen hours are a balm to my soul and they satisfy my inner artist and my inner sister, the one who misses the constant company of women and all the good stuff that comes from their fellowship. For me, it's spiritual and I am so grateful.

Among our conversations, which thankfully lacked the token "boo hoo I'm fat" self-deprecating banter, there was talk of being "The Fat Kid."

I, personally, was not the fat kid.

My weight problems began in puberty, but they were compounded by a traumatic loss at the age of 15 when my first boyfriend hung himself in his dorm room immediately following a fight. He said he was going to kill himself, I said "Go ahead." And then he was dead.

I have been avoiding talking about this here on this blog -- even though it's been weighing on my mind, especially since i have been searching for the truth about why I am overweight -- because I don't want the two things to be connected. But the more I try to run from it, the faster it comes chasing me and I am going to have no choice but to work through this one. Sorry in advance, readers. You are going to have to suffer through it with me.

I recently had an email conversation with another blogger, and we talked a bit about this thing -- the suicide thing. She said something that I can't get out of my mind:

Ghosts are heavy.

I think my ghost weighs about 25 pounds.

ANOTHER FUN PIC

2010-02-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

Just cuz it's Sunday and I don't have much to say, here's another family dinner picture for your viewing pleasure :-) Taken by our family photographer, my 3 year old.

Notice my collarbones, starting to emerge thanks to Group Power at the gym. Also notice that it appears as though I am about to throw that rotisserie chicken up in the air and catch it in my teeth. I didn't do that -- I did share. Also notice how hot my husband is and imagine how much exercise I get with him every night ;-)

A picture really is worth a thousand words.

IT AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

2010-02-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like a doctor suggesting you lose weight.

I had my annual physical yesterday and took the opportunity to meet a new doctor -- a promising female doctor who brought me back to the old days of Doogie Howser, MD when she walked in the door. She must have been 12 years old.

I beat her to the punch on the weight loss thing. I told her about this blog, that I was looking to lose 25 pounds by my 35th birthday. She did the math (after I told her my starting weight -- ALMOST 10 pounds lost to date!!!!) and, looking at her fancy little BMI chart, suggested I lose another 10 beyond my goal.

Sigh.

I politely said no thank you, 25 pounds will be fantastic. Thanks anyways for the fucking dagger in my throat.

Fuck.

DUMBFOUNDED

2010-02-25T04:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the Voice is a little kinder.

Sometimes it whispers sweet things, like "Keep up the good work." And "You are finally going to do it."

Sometimes it tells me I am only just a little chubby, and not a ginormous tank. Sometimes it even tells me I am simply curvaceous. Rubenesque. Hourglass. But these days, unlike previous days, it never tells me to stop because I am perfect. Sometimes nicely, sometimes not-so-nicely, it implores me to keep at it. Not to give up.

What it never says is why. Why have I been consistently 15-30 pounds overweight for my entire adult life? I can't for the life of me answer this question. This is the one mental block I have, and I need to get through it. Why have I never been able to maintain a healthy body weight?

I don't understand.

BEFORE: My 34th Birthday

2010-02-20T05:43:00.001-08:00

My pictures this year will be a little different. Cake, yes. Wine, yes. Friends, absolutely.

25 fewer pounds, yes yes yes.

IDENTITY

2010-02-18T05:27:00.000-08:00

Taking a long look in the mirror has been difficult. Realizing that my physical appearance does not match the perception I keep in my head -- well, this is all good, but very disappointing. Thinking of yourself as a curvy vixen is much more fun than coming to terms with the fact that you are downright overweight.

So in accepting the truth, I have had to stop kidding myself, stop blowing smoke up my own ass, start "gettin-real" a la Dr. Phil. And I freaking hate Dr. Phil.

This fits right in with the Identity Crisis known as my thirties. Overall, in my thirties, there has been a softening of the sharp edges, a dulling of the strongest opinions, a general compassion for the world outside my own and a refinement of the most jagged parts of me. I am more empathetic and less judgemental, more accepting and less elitist, more interested in others and less interested in my own agenda.

Unless, of course, my agenda involves becoming a lot less 174 pounds and a lot more 150. In that case, I am staring hard at what I want to see in the mirror and focusing on myself completely.

I want the outside to match the inside. When it does, I have a feeling that this overwhelming identity crisis will vanish. I will have known all along exactly who I am.

YESTERDAY ALL MY TROUBLES SEEMED SO FAR AWAY

2010-02-17T04:11:00.000-08:00

NOT PICTURED BUT STEALTHILY CONSUMED: Handful of Pirate's Booty, half-of-a-double-cheeseburger (groan!!!) and a brownie. :-(

What you can see, above, is that I was good until mid-afternoon, at which point my husband took the kids to the grocery store to "get out of my hair" while I finished up my columns. Sadly, he returned home with a double cheeseburger "from the dollar menu!" -- of which I ate half and felt awful, and supplies to make a meal fit for a king...plus brownies for dessert. I am not used to eating so much so late at night and I entered a shame spiral that led me to today. I feel like an ox. I feel really embarrassed about my eating yesterday.
*********************

YESTERDAY, I ______________:

* tried to eat well despite the circumstances...husband and kids home on vacation. I didn't do as well as I had hoped; I think my firm resolve is crumbling and I need to find it again.

* went to kickboxing class and seriously gave it 150%. Unfortunately, "Super Workout Girl" -- who had already been working out prior to class -- decided to stand next to me and she smelled SO BAD. Her sweat was flying everywhere and she was giving it 200% and making a general spectacle of herself. It was super gross and distracting and very, very smelly.

* walked in 8 inches of snow with 2 of my kids over to my sister's house. Yes, it was a blizzard....but when my sister says "I have some hand-me-downs"...you run. You don't walk. I came home with a garbage bag of amazing clothes, most of which do not fit but I want them to fit so bad!!! Mostly Size 10s. A couple size 8s. So I now have my firm motivation back.

* saw pics of myself posted on Facebook and was not happy. My hubby spends so much time telling me how beautiful my body is that sometimes I almost believe him. Then I see some pictures and remember why it is so important to me that this be the year I make these changes happen.

* watched the new season of Celebrity Fit Club. Love that show. Also watched "Carnie Wilson Unstapled" and love that show too. She won me over when she was making brownies and she said "This smells so good. If I could fuck it I would." So funny.

* had plenty of self-doubt and self-loathing. "The voice" had a few choice things to say.

* wondered how the hell I am going to reach my goals.

FEAR

2010-02-02T04:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't run in a while. I have been taking classes a the gym mostly, and yesterday I just was not feeling well at all, so today I am thinking about jumping back on the treadmill, although my tummy still isn't quite right.

I am scared. I feel like I've lost my rhythm, my stamina, my endurance. I could come up with a thousand reasons why I should NOT go to the gym today, but i will.

An old friend -- a triathlete -- told me that it is that which we fear that leads the way into what our bodies need in order to lose weight.

Such an intricate mind/body connection. I wish I could stay home from the gym today to ponder it, but I have goals and I will let my fear guide me.

FAMILY FOODIES

2010-01-30T05:10:00.000-08:00

I am a mom who is in the middle of a "me phase." With no babies in diapers and a business that gains momentum every single year, I have reclaimed my body, my sexuality, my ability to maintain friendships, and my marriage.

In other words, I have spent the past 9 years with a baby either on my boob or taking over my uterus, a kid screaming at me to wipe their ass and a husband who cared not about being helpful OR useful, all the while chartering the unknown cruise ship of vicious mama-drama and public school etiquette. I survived and now I am getting comfortable in this skin.

2009 brought with it myriad changes, all of a wonderful variety, and for once I was able to spread my wings a bit and enjoy freedoms previously unknown.

The side effect to all this growth and metamorphosis is that even though I am focused on my self and my life, i want to be a good....no, great... mother. I want to stay connected to my kids and offer them firm but loving guidance, to support them and nurture them and be a role model on their ascent into becoming amazing women.

My focus on fitness, I have been told, is one of the mot positive things I have to offer them and I agree. I have always been active and I have always encouraged my kids to come for walks, runs (in the stroller or otherwise), to the tennis courts, to the track. We like to ride bikes and hang out as a family swimming, etc.

Nutrition, having always been my bigger stumbling block, has challenged me more.

In the fog of Mommyhood, I have thrown nuggets and french fries at them too many times. Lately, I have trying some new recipes and I have been pleasantly surprised at their willingness to give it all a try. pesto chicken, apple-glazed chicken, Parmesan risotto -- some of the latest recipes that got 6 tiny little thumbs up.

And then there are the nights where you don't feel like cooking. Instead of breaking out the frozen crap on a cookie sheet, I have found myself loading up my Silver tray full of veggies and dips or fruit and melted chocolate. We sit around as a family, chit-chat and snack...in the very best of ways.

THE VOICE

2010-01-26T05:07:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all who commented yesterday. Really, thanks.

My internal voice -- the bad one -- makes rare appearances. I spend very many of my days in a positive frame of mind, I really appreciate my body and how well it serves me. I am unbearably grateful, most of the time, for all my blessings and my physical strength and competence is something I never take for granted -- especially when I watch the wheelchair-bound young man at the gym heave himself onto various machine for his upper body workout. I watch him with absolute reverence and awe and it makes me say silent prayers of thanks for my able-bodiedness.

But.

The voice likes to fuck with me any chance it gets, and those opportunities present themselves when my defenses are down. It should not surprise anyone here that a mere hour after I posted yesteray, I got my period. Ha.

So today, the voice has quieted itself and I have approximately 30 more days of positivity and hard work before it starts playing with my head again.

RANDOMNESS

2010-01-21T05:01:00.000-08:00

This is my life, welcome to it. This is my desk, and this is where I blog -- and write, and pay bills and return emails and try to run my business. There is usually at least one child at my feet, although in this picture there are 2 kids (not mine, because that's the kind of mama I am - always watching others' kids) plus my 3 year old wielding the camera).

Yeah, I look tired. I can't function without at least one cup of coffeee. I would guesstimate that by the time my little took this pic, I had only consumed a half a cup.

*****

In other news:

My husband was rubbing my leg last night and all of a sudden he stopped. Whoa! MUSCLES! he exclaimed. He began feeling me up from head to toe and was telling me about all the changes he was feeling, and we were laughing until we cried and I haven't been so happy in a long time.

MOVING FORWARD

2010-01-20T05:12:00.000-08:00

I found some old photos of myself, which is a miracle because after 2 computers crashing in 4 years, we have very few left. But I have an old blog where, apparently, I used to post family pix, and I was able to re-save some of them onto this laptop. Sorry for the poor quality -- they certainly lost something in the translation.

So above is a short cruise down memory lane, noting of course that I have never been entirely shy about my curves; I have long been comfortable in my own skin.

So why now? At 34 years old, why am I making the leap from curvaceous mama to trim cougar? :-) Why, when I have a husband who adores and idolizes every inch of my body? When I can shop at "normal" stores and pretty much wear any fashion, barring my own vanity and how it clings to me.

I just want to know what it feels like. I want to be that woman, who sets a goal and reaches it, who goes outside her comfort zone and finds that she enjoys the view. I want to wear clothes because I like them and not just because they will probably flatter my figure.

I have a distinct idea of who I want to be when I grow up, and she wears a size 8.

BUDDHA BOARD

2010-01-17T05:37:00.000-08:00

I got a toy for Christmas last month and it has quickly become my favorite thing to play with in the morning. It is called a Buddha Board and it hangs directly above my desk.

You can put words, phrases, or pictures on it with the sweep of a paintbursh and you can watch them swiftly disappear from existence.

I can see why they call it a Buddha Board, it has become a spiritual morning practice for me.

It helps in the practice of letting go.

AS THE WEIGHT COMES OFF

2010-01-13T04:10:00.000-08:00

It brings up some complex emotions. For some reason, as I release my baggage and let my true self shine through, I have been having these moments of panic about really not liking myself very much. And frankly, if I don't like me, who is gonna like me?

This week, as I busted my ass in the gym and anticipate another downward movement on the scale, I was bombarded with all of my regrets over the past several years as the weight came on.

I am a person with a tendency to move on from friendships, and I have defended this pattern for all eternity. When friends become toxic or poisonous, I am one to create at least a small conflict so I can walk away easily and guilt-free. Except that the guilt is catching up with me now.

And while it remains to be seen whether I have lost anyone terribly valuable in the process (I *think* I still feel secure that those people needed o go, one way or another), my methods are bogus and it has been hitting me lately more than ever.

I suck at conflict, and I suck at breaking up with friends.

And I want to become better at these things AS I get better at eating and running and all the other good stuff. So I think it's time for me to purchase a book and get reading - learning a few new tricks about how to sustain female friendships before I lose someone I was meant to love forever.

WHY?

2010-01-10T05:15:00.000-08:00

A couple readers expressed a curiosity about the fact that I don't like to draw attention to my "dieting." I think the answer is two-fold.

First and foremost, it comes, most likely (as I get all psychoanalytical with my bad self) from a fear of failure. It's like telling the world you are quitting smoking only to be seen puffing a butt somewhere 5 days/weeks/months later. I am afraid of making a big deal about this mission and then still being fat by the end of the year. I know in MY heart this won't hapen, but I am so vulnerable to criticism right now and I couldn't even stand to think someone was mocking me. And yes, if you were wondering, I was teased throughout most of my adolescence for my....curves.

Second, let's go Freudian for a moment. It's my mother.

My mom was obsessed with thinness, and with 3 daughters, I honestly think all she ever wanted was a thin daughter. She didn't get one -- me and both of my sisters take much more after my dad's side of the family.

Anyhoo, like a bloodhound, when my mom catches wind of one of her daughters dieting, trying to lose weight, eating well, exercising more, whatever it is that might lead to a thin daghter, she becomes completely obsessed with their progress with thrice-daily emails checking up on them, full body check-outs whenever we see her, constant chatter -- particularly when the others are around -- doting on that daughter. It's effing ridiculous and it has made all 3 of us shy about our struggles and our efforts.

I love my mom but I am now completely incapable of talking with her about my efforts to be fit and healthy because it will become a complete obsession. And then I revolt against it, and I din't need that kind of competition for my focus right now.

I heart Baron Baptiste

2010-01-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

First of all, I am in love with Baron Baptiste. Yoga DVD man, who I always assumed was a narcissistic goob. But I did my first Power Yoga DVD of his last night, and he is dreamy. I want to shag him immediately.

His pearl of wisdom for the night:

If you are not here, you are nowhere.

live in the present, people. Live in the present, in this moment. If you are anywhere else, you are not living. Thanks Baron, I needed the reminder. And I love you.

*******

I ran 3 miles this morning! Yay me. This is a pretty amazing accomplishment, seeing as 2 weeks ago I couldn't even run 3/4 of a mile. So I signed up for a Road Race by the Sea in April -- it's 10K, something I have never accomplished before, and I am super excited.

I am taking pics today of some of my meals, will post tomorrow.

:-)